Set Me Free

You make me see all of the things I hate about myself.

You are everything I am not. Fit, successful, motivated, happy.

I'm just the broken part of you.

The shadow who never lived up to its potential.

Your energy touches me and I fall apart.

Reminders of how much I blew up my life because I thought something was when it was not.

Next to you I feel inadequate, ashamed, less than what I could be.

I mean, I could be imagining all of this again.

Obsession taking hold of my mind, putting meaning into utterances I have no business responding to.

This is what you do to me.

You make me lose myself, lose my cool, empty the peace right out of my body.

Equanimity lost to the roiling seas of my thoughts of you.

Vessel said it best:

"You make me wish I could disappear"

I have no real reason to be here.

I am just existing, going with the flow of what I thought was my life.

Carefully avoiding anything that might put me under your spell again.

I feel you there sometimes.

It feels like an itch I can't scratch, or an undercurrent of unease.

Anxiety just barely below the surface because I know I can't deal with this.

I have no capacity to understand what this does to me or why.

I just know that I will never be free of you.

Or free of this dark obsession.

This is forever.

A deep dark black forever stain on my soul that is at the same time blissful and awful.

I wish, desperately, that I could forget you.

I also wish, desperately, that I could know you as intimately as I know myself.

There is so much cognitive dissonance about this situation that Festinger himself would be proud.

As always, I remain, yours.

And by this, I mean throughout eternity. There is no end to something like this and I know it doesn't seem real, but I assure you, it is as real as the grass on your feet and your heart that beats.

Because in there, is my heart too.

Beating in the same way yours does.

What a joy it will be when I am unbound from the tether of this place, and my soul will be free again.

My soul will wait for yours and we will be whole once more.